How Not To War

Trump is criminally incompetent.

Let’s say you’re the President of the United States, sitting in Washington one day, looking at your approval ratings, the economy is not great, and all anyone can talk about is a paedophile named Epstein, and how you once knew him. You also might be involved in a massive criminal conspiracy. You get thinking: You know what would fix this? A war nobody wants. Not a heroic war or a defensive war - just a fidgety, misbegotten scuffle that looks good on TV until American soldiers are killed by an Iranian drone and the world economy has a nervous breakdown. Wars used to have goals. Now they’re like bad tech startups with horror stories told on X; everyone quits halfway through, nobody remembers what the mission statement is, and Softbank gets taken for another couple of billion.

Step one: pick a fight in some oil-rich corner of the map where global trade depends on everyone not throwing missiles and drones at each other. Knock out 20% of the world’s energy supply, then act surprised when petrol prices rocket, and people start cycling again, not out of environmental virtue, but because they can’t afford to drive to work. Congratulations, you’ve just concocted some fuel austerity and quite another, more deathly kind of austerity, where health and welfare budgets are slashed.

Step two: look around for support. You’ll find that your allies have suddenly developed a rare medical condition called “strategic avoidence” They don’t want to bomb anyone this year. They’re busy with domestic problems, you know, voters, hospitals, electricity bills. Naturally, you accuse them of moral weakness. “Where,” you demand, “is the courage of the free world?” It’s in bed, nursing an Iraq/Afghanistan hangover, and doesn’t want to come to your party. You toss a match into the oil drums of civilisation, cut a vein through which a fifth of the planet’s blood drains, then call it strategy. Winning bigly!!

Step three: apply pressure. Try to bully your allies into agreement. Leak rumours to the press that they’re unreliable, treacherous, French or even worse, English. Talk about “shared values” in the tone of a man shaking his empty wallet. Threaten sanctions, tariffs, and all manner of terrible things usually reserved for enemies. You’re trying to turn your former friends into cowed vassals, and accuse them of moral weakness for not leaping headfirst into your lunacy. Ya, that’ll work. You browbeat them anyway, threaten more sanctions, and wrap it all in the flag, promising that democracy will triumph just as soon as you can remember what the objective was, what year it is, and get off the fucking mad tangent about a ballroom. The result, as ever, is a world dumber and less safe than it was last week, run by White House Kleptocrats who think leadership means setting the curtains on fire and then holding a press conference about fire safety.

(As for the oil traders and other commodities weirdos, you screen‑eyed, drooling imbeciles, you might be the only fuckers on the planet managing to act even dumber and more deranged than Trump himself.)

Thank you for your attention to this matter!