Kill, Shag, Marry!
An alternative way of choosing who to vote for!
An Taoiseach, Simon Harris, has announced he will go to Áras an Uachtaráin this Friday to seek the dissolution of the 33rd Dáil Éireann. Setting the date for #GE24 on Friday 29th of November. As the general election gets hotter than Copper Face Jacks on the night after an all-Ireland final, the task of choosing the right candidates weighs heavily on every conscientious and not-so-conscientious voter. With so many personalities, ideologies, and campaign promises swirling around, like watching an Irish dancing competition, it’s easy to feel overwhelmed. But what if we approached our voting decisions with a playful Tull twist? Enter the political Kill, Shag, Marry game—the not-so-perfect and irreverent way to choose who deserves our precious scratch at the ballot box.
Kill: Ditching the Dealbreakers
In every election, certain candidates simply do not make the cut. The "Kill" choice in our political game exposes those dealbreakers—candidates whose policies, values, or ethics clash so violently with yours that there's no way to see eye-to-eye. Take your pick, “The Ireland is full crowd”, theres any amount of racists, sexists, homophobes to choose from. There’s even one political party that seems to be covering up an awful lot of seriously problematic behaviours with child protection. Not just recently but going back decades.
Think about the candidates whose positions make you cringe. Maybe it’s that politician or party who flip-flops on critical issues, showing a lack of integrity in their beliefs. Or perhaps it’s a candidate or party who promotes exclusionary policies that go against your core values.
Removing these candidates or political parties from your potential list is empowering. By identifying who you are firmly opposed to, you can streamline your decision-making process and focus on those who truly resonate with your ideals or, in most people’s cases, who are going to put more money in your back pocket.
Shagging: The Flirting Politicians
Now, let’s get a little risqué with the candidates and their policies you might want to shag. A one-night stand from Copper Face Jacks, Club 92, or a short holiday romance in West Cork. These characters might not have the long-lasting appeal you need, and their candidates may not be your ultimate soulmate, but they bring a certain allure that makes you want to explore their ideas, drop the hand and see what’s going on with them. At least for a fleeting moment, they might bring some serious political policy heat! They’re the ones who flirt with policies that make your heart race and your head whirl—think of them as the wild, reckless romances of the political world. A promise of a further cut of the Universal Social Charge, widening tax bands, building more houses or increasing social welfare. Even fixing potholes or cutting inheritance tax.
You might not like the political party or their candidates, but their policies might make your loins bulge and maybe even your wallet, and that’s the fleeting attraction. This doesn't mean you dismiss them entirely. Stay engaged briefly to see if they might deepen your understanding of the issues—even if they don't win your vote in the end. After all, not every fling leads to lasting happiness, but it can certainly enhance your perspective.
Marry: The Long-Term Commitment
Then comes the “Marry” candidates—those who align closely with your core values and present a vision for the future that resonates deeply with your own. Politically speaking, these are the ones with whom you can envision a long-term relationship with. You might already be a party member, and the party represents your core beliefs so strongly that you’re already on their back like a school bag. These candidates resonate with your values and ideals. Picture them at the kitchen table of life, discussing policies over cups of coffee while dreaming of a brighter future for all.
But hold on! This isn’t a rosy picture painted with soft pastels. Marrying someone politically means embracing their quirks and flaws, tackling life’s storms together, and sometimes questioning your sanity. The wedding bells may ring with joy, but they can also toll with the weight of responsibility.
The Kill, Shag, Marry theory of choosing a candidate or party encapsulates the chaotic yet structured nature of political relations. Each power dynamic ebbs and flows like a dance on a crowded floor, where every interaction—from lethal rivalry to wholesome coalitions and fleeting policy passions—defines the narrative of the political landscape.
Ultimately, the goal is clear: vote for those who genuinely align with your values and vision for the future or, as in previous Irish general elections, your wallet.