Conor McGregor Announces Bid To Become Pope

Promises to expel all immigrants from the Vatican.

In a move that shocked absolutely no one paying attention to his recent trajectory, former UFC champion and professional provocateur Conor McGregor has declared his candidacy for the Papacy, vowing to bring his own version of the Holy Trinity to the throne of St Peter. A signature blend of holy fury, anti-immigration zeal, and self-promotion to the Vatican.

“The Church is at the cusp of losing its Catholicness,” McGregor proclaimed from the steps of a Dublin pub, flanked by two men with shaven heads that he mistook for Trappist monks who looked like they’d lost a bet. “I will be a Pope of the people—my people, specifically. The ones who agree with me,” he declared.

McGregor, who has not actually attended Mass since his First Communion (which he claims he won by TKO), outlined his platform:

• Replacing Communion holy wine with Proper No. Twelve whiskey shots – “Body of Christ? More like Knockout of Christ.”

• Excommunicating “fake Catholics” – Anyone who supports immigration, climate action,…